But hang on, that’s ALL that cows ever do. Surely they should be grazing for more than just a third of the year. I mean, what else do they have to do? Get car insurance quotes? Update their Facebook pages? For centuries, cows have been telling us that they just eat grass, all day, every day. Whenever I stop and take a picture of a particularly attractive cow, it’s always munching on grass. I’ve never once had a conversation with a cow who didn’t have her mouth full.
Yet I’m a lot busier than most cows. I’m busier than the average cow. To put it into the historic parlance with which I am more comfortable, I am significantly busier than the cow on the Clapham Omnibus.
I have stuff to do. I have places to be, I’ve things to do, women to meet and hearts to break. And yet, despite my busy, hectic schedule, I find time to graze every single day. Not 120 days out of the year but 365.25 (on average). Surely if I can manage it, a cow should be able to.
So the question has to be asked, what on earth are cows secretly doing for two-thirds of the year that nobody knew about? Is there some secret insurrectionist bovine movement? For years all we’ve ever been worried about is badgers with guns. Maybe we’ve missed a far larger elephant in the room. Or maybe we’re all in denial, and unable to accept the fact that herds of armed subversive cattle have been roaming the countryside.
So I thank Waitrose for highlighting this important issue. Perhaps now, questions will at last be asked. Asked in the media, asked in parliament and yes, asked in the barn. It might be that just as Orwell predicted, some animals are indeed more equal than others.