So I regularly search a wide variety of job vacancies and have a number of specialised feeds supplying me with job listings, in the hope that just the ideal position will leap out at me.
Along the way, I often come across other jobs which I have no interest or ability in. However today, I came across one job vacancy – for a Grave Digger – and thought “Well, if nothing else ever comes up, at least I could do that”. You see, I know, that people have been dying in this country for well over a hundred years, possibly more. There has always been a need for grave diggers – and there always will – you could say it’s a job for life!
And let’s face it, it’s not rocket science. You just dig an ‘ole. Roughly coffin-shaped, little bit bigger, deep enough to stand up in, not so deep you can’t get out again, try to avoid the gas main and the ‘lecky cable and that’s it. Even a really stupid person could do that. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Not that I want to become a Grave Digger you understand. There are far too many people who would happily shove me into the first one that I dig.
But then I read the small print. Apparently even if I wanted to apply for it, I couldn’t. I would be rejected for the post of Grave Digger. You see, it transpires that one must hold the Cemetery Operatives Training Scheme (COTS) qualification. It’s digging a bloody hole for God’s sake!! Further investigation led me to the ICCM website (that’s the Institute of Cemetery and Cremation Management) who, for those wishing to qualify in the noble art of diggin’ an ‘ole in the ground, offer “…on site training”!! No shit Sherlock!! What, no home study distant learning scheme? No Open University tie-in programmes? It gets better. One can attend a training course at the Berkshire College of Agriculture, where a mock cemetery has been created (I so wanna attend the end of course parties there).
So, wherever my future lies, it certainly isn’t six feet under.