I have never enjoyed cooking, I just don’t get it. But then I’m not really a creative person. I don’t paint, I don’t write great prose and I don’t really draw (this is about all I can manage):
So really it’s no great surprise that I don’t cook either. Sure I’ll grill bacon, make scrambled eggs and put all manner of things on toast, but that’s where I generally draw the line. I certainly don’t collect ingredients together and cook things from scratch. When left to my own devices, porridge has generally seen me through (and I have been known to eat cornflakes and rice krispies on occasion but that’s another story).
And to be fair I’m spoilt rotten at home, living as I do with a great cook. Which is handy since I’m a great washer-upper.
So last night I was left home alone and forced to rummage and fend for myself. I began to look around to see what there was. Randomly the first thing I came across was a bottle of beer in the fridge. I was hungry, beer is food. So I drank it.
My hunger was still not sated although my brain was now a little fuzzy (oh I don’t really drink either, so one beer and I’m …)
“I know, I’ll make a stew.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I’ll make a stew.”
“Do you even know how?”
“How hard can it be?”
“But you’re drunk!”
“But that just means I’ll worry less about the outcome. Besides, what’s the worst that can happen? Let’s do this.”
“Hey, I’m not the one talking to myself!”
So I made a vegetable stew. It had potatoes, carrots, mushrooms, butter beans, red kidney beans, chopped tomatoes and (because I’d drunk some ale) a packet of Schwartz Slow Cookers Beef and Ale Stew mix (from when I worked there and they kept giving us loads of freebies) and an hour and a half later it looked like this:
Now, I tend to veer more towards the sciences than the arts and therefore my measurements were quite precise. There was:
- ‘A very large handful’ of potatoes.
- Of carrots there was ‘As many as I could hold in one hand’.
- The beans, beans and tomatoes were easy, ‘One whole tin each’.
- And hey a packet is a packet, I assume you’re just meant to put the whole lot in anyway.
At some point I noticed that the tin of kidney beans were in a chilli sauce, but hey, they were in now, it’ll all add flavour right?
The end result was a whole crock pot of stew which I’ll still be eating on Christmas day. But it does actually taste rather good.
“Oh you’re back.”
“Of course. What’s for breakfast?”
“What do you think?”